CODES OF CONDUCT.

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CHIVALRY IS NOT DEAD,

IT HAS JUST EVOLVED.

Chivalry is not dead, it has just evolved. Moreover, while it may feel it is in shorter supply these days, that men have lost sight of this moral code, or perhaps never learned of them in the first place – Gentleman who hold themselves to a higher standard understand that you have to earn the right to be called a gentleman based on the way you consistently carry yourself. Common courtesy and respect never go out of style.

My hope with this list is to create a set of morals that meld both The “old school” gentleman ideals, to fit todays social norms. Furthermore, I hope to keep these standards alive and to inspire and develop more men (Young or old) to become a “modern gentleman” based on principles that were taught to me by my grandfather. 

Being a gentleman is timeless. Some of these ideals may not seem as cool or popular as other mainstream standards, however it does not mean that we should not as men raise the bar. Growth is about aiming to better ourselves and those around us consistently day by day. 

We have watched as the Harvey Weinstein’s of the world and the #MeToo movement has taken place – Now is the time to usher in the era of “the modern day gentleman” to be the prominent mainstream standard.

WARNING:

Times have changed and we all (men & women) have had bad dates. Unfortunately, there are some of us men that are oblivious, and some of us that are uneducated to these rules. It is important to remember some women have had bad experiences with guys who used ideals of chivalry as a means of coercion.  Next time she goes on a first date she is going to insist on splitting the check. That is okay, because you’re still showing respect by honoring her wishes.

Gentleman, there may be situations where you might encounter a woman who may take it offensively that you are trying to follow these ideals (with that said) – Don’t take it personally. Be Sensitive and still show respect. Kindly explain that you are only trying to treat her with the respect that she deserves, and ultimately be a gentleman. On the other hand, you will also encounter women who will politely decline, take into account that she politely declined rather than tore you a new one.

> Most importantly remember, the fact that you have asked her to spend time, and while your time is valuable, so is hers. You need to remember to cherish the moments you spend. Respect her and remember time is fleeting

*** I do want to be clear I am speaking to men in this regard. However, some of these codes do not just apply to one gender. Some of these apply to both, being a good person is not gender specific.

THE CODES.

The purpose of this lost art is to show your willingness to be splashed instead of a woman should a passing car run through a puddle. Furthermore, in some countries people would throw trash out of windows, and the person walking closer to the building, was less likely to be hit. While the origins, again, are from a time not like today – the idea is the same: Protection. It’s an effortless way to show her that you care.

A gentleman keeps his word and a secret.

Don’t commit yourself to any obligation that you are not willing to brave fire, famine, and flood to fulfill. Likewise, when you are entrusted with a secret, guard it as closely as you do your own. There is no breakup, no fight, no argument, no falling out that absolves you from this responsibility. Live and die with the secrets entrusted to you locked away in your heart.

Woman, man, dog – if a gentleman spots any living being struggling with something heavy he immediately offers assistance. If you suspect later it may have been a body, best to call the appropriate authorities.

It is all well and good to know how to let loose on the dance floor and have fun, but it’s important to also know how to be elegant and lead on the dance floor when the time calls for it.

Actually take the time to plan a date;  I hear from women a lot that men expect a casual text invitation to ‘hang out’  passes as a date invitation, and that its send the same message. Let’s raise the bar boys – the effort you put into planning a date sends a woman the message of how much you are [or aren’t] truly interested in her.

In the age of technology, you are likely texting or chatting for awhile before you actually see each other. Use this time to discover some of her interests and plan something accordingly. In an age of apathy, your efforts will be well received. 

Gentleman makes reservations; Its simple and it shows initiative and planning – and therefore concern for her – it also guarantees you won’t be sitting around drinking watered-down margaritas waiting for a giant pager to go off.

 “If you’re early, you’re on time. If you’re on time you’re late.”; It displays reliability. A sense of responsibility while illustrating you value the importance of time. If you’re on time with regards to the smaller things, others will know they can depend on you when it comes to larger issues. Gentlemen will know that being five minutes early is too late.

Arrogant: confidence without evidence

Simon Cowell when his contestant gets through to the final and he can barely contain his self-satisfied grin.

Confidence: Confidence with evidence

James Bond at his best, strong and admirable (minus any of the questionable 1960s sleaziness. Different times).

Sharp wit can win any augment, but an intelligent gentleman knows the benefit of listening to others views and being prepared to learn and develop his world view

Not dead, but evolved. Good manners remain essential, whereas chivalry regarding practices such as “don’t burn down or destroy houses without good reason” are less pertinent in modern times.

 A gentleman doesn’t always make the first move

 First move, last move, in-between move – whoever made it, if you’re both fully consenting adults and you’ve got the “okay”, catch that vibe; enjoy the moment

Unless it’s tears of happiness from that vintage Jaguar you surprised her with for your anniversary, A gentleman should never go out of his way to make a woman cry. A Gentleman understands that vulnerability is a strength, not a weakness. Society tells men that being emotionally available is unmanly trait. However, it takes a true man to understand that, to be emotionally available you have to be willing to face the fear of seeming weak.

The purpose of this lost art is to show your willingness to be splashed instead of a woman should a passing car run through a puddle. Furthermore, in some countries people would throw trash out of windows, and the person walking closer to the building, was less likely to be hit. While the origins, again, are from a time not like today – the idea is the same: Protection. It’s an effortless way to show her that you care.

A gentleman keeps his word and a secret.

Don’t commit yourself to any obligation that you are not willing to brave fire, famine, and flood to fulfill. Likewise, when you are entrusted with a secret, guard it as closely as you do your own. There is no breakup, no fight, no argument, no falling out that absolves you from this responsibility. Live and die with the secrets entrusted to you locked away in your heart.

Woman, man, dog – if a gentleman spots any living being struggling with something heavy he immediately offers assistance. If you suspect later it may have been a body, best to call the appropriate authorities.

It is all well and good to know how to let loose on the dance floor and have fun, but it’s important to also know how to be elegant and lead on the dance floor when the time calls for it.

Actually take the time to plan a date;  I hear from women a lot that men expect a casual text invitation to ‘hang out’  passes as a date invitation, and that its send the same message. Let’s raise the bar boys – the effort you put into planning a date sends a woman the message of how much you are [or aren’t] truly interested in her.

In the age of technology, you are likely texting or chatting for awhile before you actually see each other. Use this time to discover some of her interests and plan something accordingly. In an age of apathy, your efforts will be well received. 

Gentleman makes reservations; Its simple and it shows initiative and planning – and therefore concern for her – it also guarantees you won’t be sitting around drinking watered-down margaritas waiting for a giant pager to go off.

 “If you’re early, you’re on time. If you’re on time you’re late.”; It displays reliability. A sense of responsibility while illustrating you value the importance of time. If you’re on time with regards to the smaller things, others will know they can depend on you when it comes to larger issues. Gentlemen will know that being five minutes early is too late.

Arrogant: confidence without evidence

Simon Cowell when his contestant gets through to the final and he can barely contain his self-satisfied grin.

Confidence: Confidence with evidence

James Bond at his best, strong and admirable (minus any of the questionable 1960s sleaziness. Different times).

Sharp wit can win any augment, but an intelligent gentleman knows the benefit of listening to others views and being prepared to learn and develop his world view

Not dead, but evolved. Good manners remain essential, whereas chivalry regarding practices such as “don’t burn down or destroy houses without good reason” are less pertinent in modern times.

 A gentleman doesn’t always make the first move

 First move, last move, in-between move – whoever made it, if you’re both fully consenting adults and you’ve got the “okay”, catch that vibe; enjoy the moment

Unless it’s tears of happiness from that vintage Jaguar you surprised her with for your anniversary, A gentleman should never go out of his way to make a woman cry. A Gentleman understands that vulnerability is a strength, not a weakness. Society tells men that being emotionally available is unmanly trait. However, it takes a true man to understand that, to be emotionally available you have to be willing to face the fear of seeming weak.

A gentleman means what he says and says what he means

Transparency is huge. No doublespeak, no having to read between the lines – while never being rude or insensitive, a gentleman finds a tactful way to be open about his thoughts and feelings. Not only is it gentlemanly, but guys it will make your life much easier. If you are transparent about where you stand most will appreciate you more for not manipulating a situation.

 Honesty this shouldn’t be gender specific either. Liars are bad eggs full stop. The only time they are acceptable are when a) they involve Father Christmas or b) a woman has had a questionable visit to a hair salon.  She knows it’s bad. You know it’s bad. She knows you know it’s bad. Say it looks wonderful, and move on.

Fast judgements say more about the person making the judgement, than those being judged. As the old adage goes: never judge a book by its cover.

Eye Contact; The reason it is important to look someone in the eyes when you are cheersing  comes from the idea that when kings used to sit at a table together and cheers one another they would look at each other in the eyes and as both goblets met one another both drinks would splash into one another’s cups. They then would look at each other as they drank the cup to signify that neither was poisoning each other. Today we cheers to signify the start to an amazing night, to celebrate, or to simply enjoy the moment with whoever you are with. 

The Toast;  “Champagne fills your glass, bubbles collecting along its etched interior and creating rich foam across its top. Within moments, the room seems to move in unison. Arms raise and glasses are held high. It’s time for a toast, one of the world’s most enduring traditions

“Whether it was New Year’s Eve, your best friend’s wedding or dinner at a Michelin-starred restaurant, odds are you’ve toasted a special occasion by raising your glass.” (Dove L.) 

The reason we toast is because it can impart a festive air to the gathering and has a way of bringing those present together.  It does not need to be long winded.

Offers your coat to a lady

Some may consider this blisteringly dated, but sacrificing one’s comfort for that of a lady is an act of attentiveness and selflessness. You may be left shivering in the elements, but you can enjoy the warm glow of altruism emanating from your very core.

Helps a lady with her coat.

Ask, “May I?” Position yourself behind her and gently grasp her coat near the collar and shoulder and allow her to slip free. Either drape the coat over your arm or hang it up. To help her put the garment back on, hold the coat in the same way and allow her to slip her arms in, then straighten the collar as she adjusts.

It’s not old-fashioned, it’s good manners. If she does not feel like going for a walk, when you are dropping her off, Take her to the door, and wait till she’s safely inside. This is especially important if she lives in a city. It shows you’re willing to put effort into protecting her and makes her feel safe – two important aspects of building her trust and comfort.

Gentleman, whether you are financially wealthy, on your way or currently building, it is important to do the little things you can to let those important to you know that you care about them. These things may vary based on your language of love. However,  whether that is your time, your effort, your consistency to remember the small things will speak volumes. Moments become memories, and memories become a lifetime. Don’t miss out on making the small moments count. 

 A gentleman knows how to cook

Being able to prepare one good, full meal should be the bare minimum. If you can make a Beef Wellington with the lights off, god, we’ll marry you.

 He goes out of his way to let her know he cares. Every. Single. Day.

Flowers. Affectionate post-it notes. Spa days. Simple compliments. All of those things add up. So show your affection every day.  Manners aren’t something that should feel forced or ostentatious: rather, they should make the people around you feel better about being around you.

 

Put away the calculator. The term “going Dutch” was invented by the English as an insult: they regarded the Dutch as cheap. Just pay… and don’t think that paying means you’ve bought anything more than dinner or drinks. There should be no expectations attached. 

Under no circumstances should she see the check or have any idea how much it is. A tight-lipped smile is your friend here, as always. You asked that person on a date you should be willing to pay for the first one at least. If they are persistent on wanting to pay the bill then revisit that on the second date.

While paying for your female date is no longer an expectation in today’s society, it is a good rule of thumb to remember if you asked her to be there you better be able to thank her for her time by paying for at least the first bill.  “Better still, find the waiter, and settle it before it even comes to the table. If the person you are with is persistent on paying the bill then, tell them they can take care of it next time (if you don’t pay, there might not be a next time).

Proper etiquette dictates that in situations such as being seated by a host/hostess at a restaurant, theater, or places of the like – the woman is to lead. In more crowded places that may require a push or two to get through, the man is to lead the woman. Bonus points for reaching back and holding her hand behind you to keep her close.

Furthermore, she is to lead walking up stairs, and he is to lead going down stairs. These may seem like small details, but in a world where etiquette is often brushed aside, those who pay attention to the details are those who stand out from the crowd.

Have her go first.

This is a general statement because it applies to many facets of the evening. Proper etiquette states that she is to sit first (remember the first point where she is leading you to the table), she is to order first, and even to take the first bite of the appetizer, bread, or whatever is on the table before the entrees arrive.

If you have a hard time remembering any of these, simply think of the old adage throughout the night: Ladies first.

This is something I read a long time ago and it stuck with me for some reason. This is a passive sign of affection and isn’t inappropriate in a public setting, but it bonds the two of you together and helps her feel more comfortable.

This time-honored gentlemanly gesture has become problematic in the modern world. For us, it’s straight-up good manners, a spot of polite chivalry worthy of being preserved,.

Open the door for her.

The door to the restaurant, the car door, the door to the car picking you up. Whatever door is relevant to you both walking through, please do not lose sight of this simple but often overlooked act of kindness

Comb your hair, brush your teeth, shave your face. Maintaining small, good grooming habits will speak volumes about you as a person. MANSCAPE !

If you can’t manage to keep your appearance neat and orderly, how can you expect others to believe your life is any more neat and orderly?

Dress appropriately.

How can the way you dress be considered an act of chivalry? Well, because the way you dress not only speaks to the respect you have for yourself, but also for the respect you have for the people you are dressing to be around. The more effort you put into how you look, the more it shows you value how the other person is going to perceive you and act towards you in return.

As a general rule of thumb, do your best to wear a blazer or sports jacket. Not yet convinced? It will help to make your shoulders look broader and your waist look trimmer. Both attractive qualities to women. As Tom Ford says: You should always keep your jacket buttoned, it will make you look ten pounds lighter.

As far as a gentleman is concerned, all women and girls should be treated as ladies. Opening a door is not a gesture of condescension, but rather courtesy and deference. As far as revolving doors go, modern manners dictate that a gentleman allow the woman to enter first. Car doors are no exception, regardless of who is driving. If a third party is driving, open the curbside door and ensure that she is safely in before closing it.

Again, a sign of respect and acknowledgement. You should also rise when she exits. At a meal, you stand when she excuses herself and again when she returns. Even a partial rising shows gentle manners, but it’s best to fully stand if possible.

The first words out of your mouth when you meet a woman on a date should be along the lines of “you look stunning.” If you’re in a relationship, don’t fall into the trap of taking her for granted: compliment her as if you were courting her all over again.

Yes, on the subway. Yes, on the bus. Yes, in the waiting room at the DMV. It doesn’t hurt. It costs you nothing. And if a pregnant woman or elderly lady steps into your subway car, your first instinct should be to immediately stand and offer your seat. 

Speak about riding the bart and bus as a kid and how you were told to get up at times by my aunt or mom sometimes.

If you want to get to know a person, ask them questions… and listen to their responses. Listening does not mean “waiting for your chance to talk.” It means being attentive, learning to read responses, understand reactions, and navigate someone’s emotional landscape. 

HE ALWAYS LISTENS, FIRST

Trust me. Everyone’s got something to say. It’s a much rarer commodity finding someone who will listen.

Being a gentleman is not about constantly speaking your mind, but knowing when to speak, and, most importantly, when to shut up and listen.

No matter what: you never hit a woman. There’s no excuse. There’s no possible argument to the contrary. There’s no “what if?” and there’s no qualifier. Gentlemen don’t hit women. Ever. If you feel you are in a situation where you need to protect yourself, it’s simple, leave. Do not go  back, if you do you’re simply playing with fire. Respect her and respect yourself & leave.

Take mental notes. Her likes. Her dislikes. Her shoe size. Her ring size (please note that nearly all jewelry stores display a default ring size of 6 for women). Her favorite color. This information will prove useful and when it does – when you show up with a bundle of lavender because you know it reminds her of her grandmother – it shows you care. 

Gives real compliments

Forget calling you sexy and beautiful—the modern chivalrous guy pays you unique compliments that make you feel good, not just flatter you so he can score points. So, he might compliment your beautiful view of the world or the poetic way you speak. He’s really saying, “I notice you.”

A gentleman shows & takes  initiative.

It is okay to take control. If you’re asked which dress, which pair of jeans, or which pair of shoes looks better…have an actual opinion. “They both look the same” or “whatever you like” are not actual opinions. Likewise, if you’re asking someone on a date, have a destination in mind. Have a plan.

This modern departure from asking her father for permission acknowledges the importance of her whole family: mom, dad, brothers, sisters, grandparents. It shows respect for her family: you are, after all, asking to join them.

Having the capability to say, “I’m sorry,” is one of the most overlooked qualities in both men and women. Apologies require a great deal of strength, and the human ego will make this  personally challenging.

Part of becoming a gentleman is realizing that the man who can admit when he is wrong is no weaker than the man who never backs down. In fact, I would argue that the refusal to self evaluate your own actions  and have empathy toward others is childish and it hinders you from your own personal growth as an individual.

Standing behind a set of values(I.E these codes), and believing in something, displays loyalty in a man. True gentlemen will follow a moral code, with others’ best interests in mind.

Upholding certain values will prove to others that you’re in no position to be walked over, and that you will fight for what you believe in.

Complimenting people around you is a direct reflection upon yourself. It shows others that you are not too self-absorbed to take an interest in them, and it also shows kindness.

While random acts of kindness may go unnoticed by some, to others, they might mean more than you could imagine.

  • Self Control

A Gentlemen will always be in control of themselves. When other people, or things, take the wheel and steer, – with regard to life choices and specific habits – it is only a matter of time before you find yourself spinning out of control.  He realizes that it is important to be comfortable with not having control.

Only focus on what you can control, otherwise let go of trying to control all the rest. The best things sometimes happen when  you “let Jesus take the wheel”. The modern gentleman will not fear experimenting with things, and indulging in certain things, as long as he maintains control of himself and stays within the lanes of his respective road. 

  • Take Control of your Life

“ I don’t get lucky I make my own luck” – Harvey Spector (Suits)

Don’t live afraid, Go after it! Don’t leave the fate of any situation in the hands of others. Whether it be starting up a conversation with a girl you’ve never met at a bar, being the first to attempt to reconcile things with a long-term girlfriend, or even pursuing a certain job opening – always take matters into your own hands and make the first move.

  • Be Patient  

Patience truly is a virtue & requires control. Keep in mind, Children are fidgety and anxious. Gentlemen are cool and patient. Whether it be en route to dinner with a new girl, and stuck in traffic, or handling matters of business – a gentleman will always wait situations out until they’re most advantageous to act upon. 

  • Remain Composed

“Courage is grace under pressure.” – Ernest Hemmingway

Be graceful under pressure. Keep your composure. True gentlemen are always poised. Because when situations become dire, and others start to panic or lose their temper, gentlemen have the ability to provide a beacon of assurance that the people around them can feed off.

Being a gentleman doesn’t mean being a “yes man.” It doesn’t mean seeing eye-to-eye with everyone you meet, and it certainly doesn’t mean being a kiss ass. What it does mean, however, is that you will always uphold a level of respect with all of your associates. Naturally, a date, or girlfriend, is by no means any different.

  • Be On Time

I remember I lost the opportunity to be with a good women  in the past because they felt that I did not value time. Cannot blame them, was a real reality check.  If you’re not early, you’re late. Being punctual displays reliability. If you’re on time with regards to the smaller things, others will know they can depend on you when it comes to larger issues. Make sure you have gas in your car, plan for a natural disaster if you have to.  

  • Don’t Rush Things

Sloan, from “Entourage,” dumped a guy she dated because he asked to leave the Lakers game early to beat traffic. Don’t let this guy be you. Always try to be the first man in and the last man out, as it displays your intentions to see things through. Whether it be a movie, a sporting event or work, don’t leave until the fat lady has finished singing.

When the time calls for it, it is always important to remember that small details count and the way you carry yourself during dinner could be a determining factor in whether they want to invest spending time with you again. 

  •  He insists you order first.

He doesn’t jump in and order dessert for you—that’s not chivalrous, that’s annoying AF! But he will let you order before he does. It’s such a simple act of respect, but it’s scary how few men actually do it.

 

  • Enjoy the Meal, Don’t Scarf down your food. 

Maybe you have been fasting, maybe it is ramadan or you all I can say is, dont be so into the food you forget about taking a break to talk to the person across from you. . If you’re eating with company, or out to dinner with a date, don’t rush through your food like you haven’t eaten in weeks. During the earlier phases of dating,  try to view meals and dinner dates as social events. Scarfing down the steak you order should always be secondary to conducting a stimulating conversation.

Unless you take her to Peter Luger, IN BROOKLYN. But at that point, you’ve already done your due diligence as a gentleman

Yes! we live in a time where we are more connected than ever and I don’t think that is going to stop.  Our phones have our emails, GPS, Social Media, Banking, and so much more. In short, our phones ultimately give us the ability to be connected instantly  to the people that we care about. It is important to remember not to get lost in that. When the people we care about are in front of us, it is our job to make them a priority. It is important to remember to actually connect in person not just virtually.  

 

  • Make your time count .

 

I understand you might have been able to get your date through your cell phone (whether it was sliding in the DM’s, or swiping right) but it’s just you and her (or him)  on the date, your phone is not wingmaning here. Some might say this is common sense… but, sometimes common sense is not so common.  

Do not touch your cell phone during your date.  If you must take a picture of the food, or capture the moment, Fine! but aside from that or using it to  illustrate some story related to the conversation you are having. Do not be updating Instagram Bio or making a tweet (believe me your ‘fans” can wait). Otherwise,  Leave it in your pocket. Glance at it when you use the restroom if you must. If you are expecting an emergency call or text, inform your date at the beginning of the evening. If you are constantly tempted to use your cell phone, perhaps you should take it as a sign that you are not out with someone who is a great match for you, anyway. But regardless – keep it away as a sign of respect. She will notice

 

  • Call, don’t text a date invitation.

 

Texting is fast and convenient but unless you want your date to be the same, fast & convenient, take your time and pick up the phone.  Just the fact that you would take the time to actually call a woman to ask her out on a date will put you light years ahead of your competition (of which there is a lot). Plus! you’ll be able to tell how excited or enthusiastic she is (or isn’t) about accepting your offer by actually hearing her voice. Which is a lot more rewarding than a thumbs up emoji. 

  • Make your time something of value.

There’s nothing more disrespectful than feeling as though the person across from you, that you’ve made time for would rather be somewhere else or with someone else. I get it! We are busy and if you’re a hustler you probably are doing business around the clock. However, for your own sanity and those around you make the time that you spend with those you consider important to you, their time. One of the greatest things you can give someone is  time, it is a commodity that you will never be able to get back. A quality investment of time can lead to a quality memory, and quality memories can last a lifetime. When you are there, be there.

 

  • “Good morning , Good evening, & Good night “ 

 

I am not telling you to blow someone’s phone up, please only do these things if they come from a genuine place. 

 However with that said,  Small romantic acts aren’t just for the “honeymoon phase” of your relationship. Consistency and thoughtfulness  is key. It is easy to attract a partner, it is much harder to keep one. 

A good morning text first thing doesn’t just say “good morning” – it says “you’re the first person I thought of when I woke up today.” Just the same as a random text throughout the day will illustrate thought, desire, and interest within that person. Let them know if they are special to you.

Hint: Goodnight texts are not a bad idea either 

  •  Be Reliable   

Whether you are looking for a partner or just meeting a friend for dinner, being reliable is huge.
Match  in 2017 did a study with over 500 women of all ages to find out what types of modern chivalry women want. A whopping 84 percent of women said a man who calls when he says he will is the most important thing. 

Gentleman if you tell her you’re going to call her… Call her.   

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